shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks