Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
You Might Also Like
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth