“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Confused owl: What?!
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs