My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Never ghost your hitman.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.