Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Jail
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Facebook memories be like
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review