[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Well, this is awkward
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.