My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.