Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Saturday
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me