Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.