“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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#titanic
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.