I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit