I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.