Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
You Might Also Like
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me