I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”