Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too