no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I self medicate, therefore you live.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.