Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
You Might Also Like
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
crazy
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!