My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh