WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I don’t make the rules sorry
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist