I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape