My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
You Might Also Like
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,