The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.