Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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それは草
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Only Americans understand
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Seems kinda suspicious
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer