Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on