i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
They did not think through this water fountain
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote