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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Breaking news:
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.