Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
You Might Also Like
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.