I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
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I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.