As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
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Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*