I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
men are simple creatures
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.