God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
What the hell happened here.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.