am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Bringing home a sharpie
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.