Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes