Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?