[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me trying to “trust the process”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Proctology is located in A55
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed