[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Oh we’ve met.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!