“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays