I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits