There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic