[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.