be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
You Might Also Like
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.