Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Dear Lord..
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
the three branches of government
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood