Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep