Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
You Might Also Like
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Ron is short for Aaronald
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.