[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny