I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.