Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Had to try this trend 😊
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠