My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon