her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?