Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
me irl
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,